The Weight Of Words
by mxmsupporter
Summary: "His goggles lay forgotten on the table beside him, so his face is clearly visible for once. But I don't want to look at him. Not now that I decided to become who I am." What happened after Matt found the nearly-dead Mello? Oneshot, Mello POV


**A/N: **The hatred-sorrow fangirl mode approaches! :) It's not a songfic this time! (You know who I'm talking to xD) I hope the grammar and spelling are good, I didn't manage to find a beta (coz I didn't look for one, hoho).

**Suggested listening:** Red - Start Again, 30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill, Sum 41 - Happiness Machine

* * *

It's hot, although my limbs start to freeze on the wet floor. The damp air surrounds me as I try to inhale again. There's not enough oxygen and my head starts to spin. I'm dizzy. Only the left half of my body is a painful reminder of reality.

Red...

I see red.

Blood... The weakly gleaming screen of the mobile phone... Red hair. Red shirt with black stripes.

I'm home.

Quite ironic for a guy that never had a real family, isn't it?

I feel like a five year old again as strong arms embrace me and I'm lifted from the floor. I can't open my swollen lids completely so the figure is blurred. The savior is somehow familiar... Oh, I know him. I'm the one who called for him after all. A red car. He once said he'd get one. The backseat soaks with my blood quickly. The car moves fast, street lamps leaving only a lean gleam in my mind. Everything surrenders to the darkness.

I crack one eye open at the stinging in my face. He's there, obviously. He leans over me with a wet gauze, cleaning the wound. Right, the wounds. How much surface of me do they cover, anyway? It doesn't really matter though, as the only thing that has a meaning is beating Near. If I have to die to do it, I will happily give my soul away.

"You're awake"

His voice brings memories. Memories of the times spent together, beating each other to a pulp and then taking the other's side in Roger's office. We were like two pieces of one puzzle, totally different but completing each other. The silence is soothing... I can pretend to be myself again. I open my dried lips, a whisper coming from them "When... will I be able to... to stand up?" He casts me a glance and then smirks, his eyes concentrating on something behind me. "Be happy that you're alive." I stare at the ceiling as he gets back to the cleaning. His goggles lay forgotten on the table beside him, so his face is clearly visible for once. But I don't want to look at him.  
Not now that I decided to become who I am.

The reflection seems to be laughing at me. It can't be. It's a lie. I raise my hand, the guy in the mirror does that too. I touch the melted surface that was my left cheek in the past. He's leaning on the door frame, arms crossed, a cigarette between his lips. "It won't get better?" He looks at me for a moment and then slowly shakes his head. I grit my teeth, trying to get myself together. Turning around, I toss the bandages on the floor. He catches my hand as I walk past him. "If you kept it bandaged up longer, it wouldn't hurt that- " "It's more than enough." I interrupt him. Pain is a part of me now and I have to get to work as soon as possible. I can't do that when I'm dependant on anybody, especially on him. He stares at me and then lets go. "What's your plan?" I glance at him. I don't need him sacrificing himself now that I'm healed. "You don't need to know." He snorts, exhaling the stream of smoke in the air. "Like hell I don't. You're gonna go after Kira, right?" I study his expression.

Something's not right, something inside him broke.

"Yeah. What did you expect? We were raised to become L and now that he's dead - " "Couldn't you try to start from a blank page? Nobody knows that you are alive at the moment..." I stare at him wide-eyed. "You want me to abandon everything that I've achieved, every bit of data I've got on Kira... For what? To stay alive? You really don't know me, do you?" He swallows, killing his cigarette in an empty soda can.

"Couldn't you do that... for me? For your old friend?"

Now that's taken me aback. I raise my eyebrows as he approaches me slowly, hands in the pockets of his jeans. I can see that they are folded into fists. "Excuse me? What? For... For you? What do you mean, fucker?" He smiles sadly. "You've never realized that... Haven't you?" I narrow my eyes, feeling uneasy. "No matter what I was supposed to realize, it's useless in this situation. I'm gonna get Kira, with or without you. Your choice." He nods, taking his hands out of his pockets. He stares down at them for a moment and then glances at me.

The first blow hits me seconds later. I fall back, spitting the blood away. "After all I've done for you... Do you really have to be such an ass?! Mello!" His voice is pleading, making me shiver from the unknown feeling of guilt. "Couldn't you just forget... Just send Near to hell? Couldn't you accept that you're not a jerk like him, that you're full of life, you're gorgeous, hot-blooded and can't win with a little copy of L like him just because _you're different_? Just because you are _yourself_?" I stare at him in silence, his words reaching my ears only partially.

_You can't win_.

I grit my teeth, jumping up and clenching my hand on the fabric of his stripped shirt. "That's how low you think of me, huh? Say that again, say that I've got no chance against him!" He rips away from my grasp, nailing me to the wall. His hot breath mixes with mine as he forces a bruising kiss on my lips. His fingers pull on my hair as he deepens it. I close my eyes, feeling dizzy. He's pleading. He's begging me to stop. He's asking me to give myself to him.

I break the kiss, feeling anger building up in me. "You wanna change me? Try, nobody's ever succeeded. It doesn't matter what I feel! I've sold myself a long time ago! Beating Near is everything, _everything _to me! Do you hear me, Matt?!" He freezes at the sound of his name. He leans slowly, his lips tickling my ear. "Yeah? That's your dream? To get killed while the fucker gets words of appreciation instead of you? Is that your last word, Mello?" I swallow, feeling my lips go dry. The silence is maddening. Matt's hand grips my waist as if it was the condition of his survival.

"Yes."

My hoarse whisper breaks the silence. He froze again, his digits getting weaker on me. "Hn." He makes a quiet sound of approval. Then he kisses my neck, stroking my hair slowly. He raises his head, looking hard at me. His green eyes seem like steel, moist tracks on cheeks and a tense jaw completing the picture of misery. He reaches for his goggles and his gaming device abandoned on the couch. "That's what it's about... I guess I'm too weak, I can't help you in that... I'm sorry, Mello. I think I love you a little too much. I can't look at your suicide so... Farewell." The door close after him, the trace his words engraved in my heart getting deeper with every second.

I'm left alone.

My ambition shrinks into a little crumb as I slide on the wall to the floor.

He's gone.

I've lost my family.

* * *

**A/N: **I had a great problem making it "the sorrow one" till the end. It's fine this way I think, but my inner fangirl screamed "MAKE THEM GET TOGETHER, DAMMIT!" Well, nope. I wanted Matt to act like a bitch for once. Heh. Hope I've done it in a bearable way. :)**  
**  
Hey, I've just met you... And this is crazy! But here's my oneshot... So review maybe? (Oh my, this is so cliché, even for me! :D)

**By MxMSupporter, 11.07.13  
Corrected by ZJeM**


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